10. Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life- My thought process while watching this movie went back and forth like a tennis match. Angelina Jolie looks hot. Those aren’t her real boobs. Angelina Jolie looks hot. She doesn’t have a filthy sex scene.The franchise helped inspire a porno adaptation called Womb Raider. Even that movie was lousy.
Frankly I could watch it again if I was forced to but that doesn’t make it a good movie.
9. Mortal Kombat- Okay this was decent when I was a kid. Looking back it’s a pretty awful movie complete with cheesy dialogue and did they lift almost the entire plot from Enter the Dragon? Oh I was just checking.
After these two I have trouble rating the suckiness in order but I’ll try.
8. Double Dragon- Very corny and very bad acting, please don’t make me remember any details.
7. Doom- I can actually watch the Rock in Walking Tall it’s not so bad. I cannot say the same for this one.
6.Mortal Kombat: Annihilation- I’ve effectively annihilated this movie from my brain. Ha did you see what I just did there! That’s all this steaming pile is just one bad joke.
5.Alone in the Dark- Hey it stars Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff. Directed by Uwe Boll? Sign me up!
4.House of the Dead- Wait there is a party on an island and the pay some guy to take them to it? Then there is no party because everyone’s been killed? I’ll just stop right here because that’s as far as I could get watching this travesty.
3.Bloodrayne- Damn you Uwe Boll! There’s nudity that’s the only positive but I couldn’t care less about it. If given a choice between watching this and slitting your wrists I say grab a knife and let the blood rain.
2.Street Fighter- I loved this game as a child. Every kid that lived in my neighborhood came over and played it on a regular basis. You might imagine how intrigued I became as a young boy when I heard that one of my favorite games was becoming a movie. Then I watched it and my intrigue turned into some sort of shocked impression like watching a twenty car pile up on the interstate. What’s wrong with this one?
Guile, an American soldier is played by Jean Claude Van Damme (not remotely American) who is leading some sort of UN-type fighting force.
E Honda, who in the game is a Japanese sumo wrestler, is in the movie a fat Hawaiian cameraman who teams up with Chun-Li, who at least looks somewhat Chinese and plays a news reporter.
Zangief is the attempted comic relief as an idiot Russian.
Raul Julia: Poor guy this was his last movie.
Oh big deal, you might be saying. So the characters are different from the game. Surely the fight scenes are well crafted? No Sir. The dialogue? This is the type of film that makes you want to hunt down who wrote it and kick them square in the sack just as a matter of principle. This movie is like a kick to the nuts, just one big game of Rochambeau.
1.Super Mario Brothers- Okay, maybe I should give this film a break. How do you go about making a logical storyline from a game where an Italian plumber and his brother shoot fireballs and try to rescue a princess from a dinosaur like creature? My plan would be to take massive amounts of LSD and try to base any idea off of that so I could at least blame the drugs for how terrible the movie was. I don’t think the filmmakers went that route but watching this movie is like a bad trip only without anything of interest happening. This film is an example of studios trying to cash in on the latest fads of the era such as dance movies and MMA fighting movies of the past few years. The thing that shocks me the most is someone actually thought this was a good investment and signed off on this mess. What was the pitch?
“So there are these two video game characters that are Italian plumbers from New York and there is this evil lizard king.”
“Yeah so we’ll have two guys who aren’t at all Italian playing the main characters.”
“I don’t know.”
“Dennis Hopper could play the lizard king.”
“Sold! We’re going to make so much money off of this!”
I first saw this movie when it came out on VHS and I was 6 or 7 years old. Maybe I had elevated tastes at that age but even I knew what a horrid movie this was. I should mail my mother a dollar to pay her back for renting this and another hundred in damages it may have caused. Thank you, Associated Content for reminding me of this and ruining my dreams for the next week.
Tags:10 Worst Video Game Based Movies